We are all different

You might not be aware that I am pretty shy and introverted. I tend to keep to myself and I feel better when I have plenty of quiet time. Yes, this is true. While I’m comfortable speaking in front of any size crowd when I am familiar with the subject, I’m not always comfortable at a social gathering with people I don’t know. In the latter situation it’s much more challenging for me to start or maintain a conversation.

This was brought to my attention last weekend when a friend of mine told me that she used to think I was stuck-up. But when she realized I was introverted, she found out that I was quite friendly and approachable. So how often do we misjudge people? I know that I’ve misjudged others and have regrets over that. We are human and we are bound to make mistakes.

When someone is wrong, does that makes me right?

Over the years, I’ve changed a lot. I think I’ve changed for the better (and that’s all that matters for me). I used to judge people based on my opinions. It’s so much easier to want people to change the way they act or think so that we are more comfortable. If someone is wrong, then that makes me right!!

So, what do I mean when I use the word, “judge” in this context?

The Merriam Webster Dictionary’s definition of the verb is:

“to form a negative opinion about”.

Most people don’t feel they are “judging” others. Unfortunately common human nature says otherwise. If you form a negative opinion of someone based on something they said or something they did, then by definition you are judging them.

When I judged someone’s actions in the past, it didn’t make me feel good. Instinctively I tensed up, became bitter, angry, upset, and questioned their logic. And it certainly didn’t change the other person, either. In fact, it might have cause the opposite effect. When people get defensive, there is nothing positive that can be accomplished. We no longer speak the same language. We use a negative emotional response and that’s never going to work. When emotions are stable and understanding, anything can be accomplished.

We can’t walk in other people’s shoes. We haven’t lived their lives leading up to the statement or action that bothered us. It’s impossible to understand or relate.

Examples

Let me give you two examples of things that used to irritate me, They would cause me to become bitterly angry. I could feel myself losing control of focus and common sense. That’s not a good place to be, especially since both issues happened around vehicles or when I was driving.

Dog in the back of a pickup truck

So there’s a dog riding looks in the back of a pickup truck. Don’t people know how dangerous that is??? What if the driver slams on the brakes and the dog topples out of the back and onto the road? I don’t want to be the person that hits the dog!!

I had to come to terms with this because it would distress me when I would see a dog riding in the back of a truck. I couldn’t focus on my driving I was so upset. It ruined my day and I blamed it on the truck driver. However, I was the one to blame.

I learned to reframe my opinion. I convinced myself that those dogs were loved. They were NOT tied up in the backyard being ignored. The owner loved their dogs and enjoyed having them with them. How often did I see dogs in the back of trucks? I live in the country, so I see that a lot. And growing up in the country, I also saw it a lot. How often did I see a dog jump or fly out of the truck out of the hundreds of examples? NONE!! Zero percent!! So even if I saw one instance, the percentage is less than .2 percent!!! Less than two tenths of a percent. That’s nothing!! And those dogs are getting fresh air and lots of attention. Maybe not the attention you think they should get, but they are with their humans.

That totally changed my mind and that’s what I learned to focus on many years ago. It has served me well because I do NOT want or enjoy being upset over people’s actions. It’ s none of my business.

Crazy driver

Someone is driving dangerously on the road. Trying to pass vehicles by staying too close behind. Then darting around and cutting in urgently to get. Jerks!! Idiots! Trying to kill someone?

This one was more recent. I didn’t think I could become more tolerant of the crazy drivers on the road….. until….. I became one of those drivers. You see, I was rushing one of my dogs to the emergency vet when he was having a grand mal seizure. I was desperate. I wanted to get there as soon as I could. People were driving too slow, and I had to be aggressive in order to pass them. I was honked at and flashed at with vehicle lights. I’m sure there were plenty of well-deserved criticisms. I DID put myself and others in a dangerous situation.

 

After that happened, I no longer judged anyone for driving unsafely. What if one of their family members just died or is dying? What if they are trying to get their dog to the emergency vet? What if they are upset because of a sad or critical issue? We simply can not fully relate to other people’s current affairs or what’s going on in their lives.

Can You Handle It?

We are now in a very strange and surreal time with the pandemic outbreak of Covid-19. We are being asked to give up many of our normal routines. We must do things that are uncomfortable and unconventional. That’s not an easy change for anyone. Money is a factor and a contributor to stress. Introverted people probably have an easier time dealing with these changes. People that are more social or need other people and other events probably have a more difficult time understanding how to cope with this. And then there are plenty of people that are blended between both ends of the spectrum. It’s not easy to understand and sympathize when someone else has a very different opinion or has a different way of dealing with life and stress. People that love doing sports or music or restaurants or going to the gym – must give up those things. That can be difficult to understand. And the same is true for those that want time to be alone. I enjoy dog sports competition, but I enjoy training my dogs even more because I am alone. That can be hard to understand for those that need social interaction. It’s a difficult change and everyone is working through this process as best as they can. Things will improve when we understand that change is difficult for everyone. It’s a process. We are all learning and growing from it, whether we like it or not.

But isn’t it really cool how we are all doing this together? We are all focused on one thing and that’s minimizing the effects from the coronavirus. Each day brings a new story. And we will survive and be better for it all.